Moving to tumblr

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Summer, Friends, Future.

Since I have been back at school I have had plenty of time to reflect on God's mercy and the things that He has been teaching me this past summer.

First thing that comes to mind was the beginning of summer. For about the first month I had the worst period of doubt that I had ever had. I have done plenty of soul searching to find out what caused the despair but I still havent figured it out and may never know. Through this Christ has taught me to be more open with where I am at and the beauty of brokenness.

Second thing. God, in His mercy has caused me to grow great love for my friends in Tri-Cities. To be honest, that hasn't been there. I have been friends with the same friends for a long time but I only regularly prayed for 1 or 2 of them. God has shown me the people I dont pray about is because I dont have a deep love for them. This is a lack of belief in the Gospel that says that God is rescuing the lost and is constantly pointing everyone to Him. So if you are reading this. I am sorry. I havent loved you well. By God's grace that has hopefully changed after this summer because of the Gospel penetrating deeper into my heart.

Thirdly and finally. My hope for the future. My time this summer was spent with abundance of laughter. And many 1 on 1 conversations about where the Gospel is pressing on peoples hearts. My hope for the future is that a seriousness would come over myself and the people around me and in Tri-Cities and as a group we would seek the Lord togethter. I will end with a conversation about this with Marc Sims about this issue with growing deep community with my friends.

Marc: hmm, maybe that is something we need to be developing better
a community of prayer

Corey: I still love alot of our humor but (john) piper was right, there is something bone chilling about when you take God serious.
Something I definitely want to work on because when things suck real bad, i hurt for a day and joke for a long time until things feel better.

Marc: yea, we need to find that good balance of humor and seriousness
all the deep things are found in the serious weighty side of things

Corey: yeah, i mean laughter doesnt become full until you know where im at and youve prayed for me
otherwise i am masking around things instead of having joy at the root of my heart

Marc: yep.

Corey: Laughter is like sex. Write that book!

Marc: Lol, preach that sermon.

Corey:God makes it to be a wonderful thing but we just use it to numb.
ie. i just made you laugh and it was a good laugh. im sharing my heart with you and then laughter is as it should be

Marc:exactly

Corey: My sense of humor is in reverse.

God is revealing this to me continually and showing me where I need to repent. To drink deeply of grace in the hard parts of my life and share the joy of His mercy then laugh because my joy is complete in Him. This is what I am praying for us. That the Gospel will become real to us. And that we would all get real and our love for one another would grow as it grows for Christ.

Affection Stirrers (Part 1)

I haven't blogged in a super long time. I figured it was about time to pick it back up.

I've been in Spokane for the past week with an abundance of alone time and I have been trying to decipher what stirs my affections for Christ and I have found interesting things.

By "affections" I simply mean inclinations of the heart or mind. What inclines me to think about and meditate on Christ. I could do the obvious "christian" things that apply to everybody but I don't feel like it. Ill name a few of them.

Prayer, Bible reading, Worship Music, Communion, Fellowship, Repentance.

The one that I have been thinking about lately that stirs my affections is....
Sad songs.

It is very strange. Something about a good sad song makes me think about Christ. I have realized that I really love two types of sad songs in particular. Type one is just good-old-fashioned sad. The type where the artist is so broken you almost feel uncomfortable listening to it. You listen to it and you think "ouch". The reason this is because by understanding the Gospel, you come to really appreciate brokenness. It is one thing that EVERYONE relates to. I listen to these songs and think of how thankful I am that I will experience this in my life but I will have a lasting joy through it.

The second type is what John Mayer would call "sad hope". The hope of redemption after love-loss. I believe that this is the human condition. This is the story of humanity. Idols fail us and we need redemption. Jesus is the ultimate redeemer and ultimately what "sad hope" is hoping for even if the person doesn't know it.

Jesus is the ultimate redemption after love-loss.

Here is an example of Type 1 and 2 that has been in my head all day long.

God's goodness

Is God good?

This is a dumb question right? Right? I feel like people are afraid to actually ask this. I feel like Christians are afraid to ask this. Why?

Are you afraid of the answer?

I’ve spent a lot of time looking at my life from the outside since I’ve started school, specifically family, and it seems as though God is either good and not in control or in control and not good. Why would God let this happen?

Jesus dies. By faith I get His goodness and He gets my badness. I get His goodness?

Is God good?

Am I going to be renewed to life, beauty, holiness, and perfection by His goodness?

Throughout life these are the questions that as Christians we will have to wrestle with. Before we wrestle. We must answer. Is God good?

We always say “yes, You are good” but then God kills Jesus.

Now we wrestle. What the heck are you doing? Are you in control?

Then we find something that makes a ton of sense (nope).

You have intentionally crushed my hope FOR my hope.

Looking back on my life when I look at all of the times I was trying to be happy, I have some regrets. Looking back at all the times that I had hard times and pain in my life, I have no regrets. (When I’m going through them I would highly disagree with this statement).

Jesus the therapist answers my questions and meets my needs as I define them. Jesus the redeemer defines my needs and meets them beyond all expectation.

God doesn’t give me what I want because if He gave them to me I wouldn’t need Him. Realizing this, I love my life and family. I don’t ever have to look at people who need some extra love shown to them and for a reason to cling to God.

If God is the only fulfillment in the universe, and He puts me in this conundrum to need to be asking Him questions and meeting with Him, does that not make Him unbelievably good? If hardship leads to joy, is it worth it?

Jesus does die. Pain does come. Trial will leave you questioning God.

Jesus does raise again victoriously. Pain is healed by the Gospel. Victory through
cross gives way to joy in the midst of the brevity of life. Because I have enough in Jesus, regardless of everything else.

“If you lack contentment, start naming all the things you don't deserve.”-Darrin Patrick

Thank you, Gungor.

I've tried to stand my ground
I've tried to understand
But I can't seem to find
My faith again

Like water on the sand
Or grasping at the wind
I keep on falling short

So please be my strength
Please be my strength
'Cause I don't have any more
I don't have any more

I'm looking for a place
Where I can plant my faith
One thing I know for sure

I cannot create it
And I cannot sustain it
It's Your love
That's keeping me

Please be my strength
Please be my strength
I don't have any more
I don't have any more

And at my final breath
I hope that I can say
I fought the good fight
Of faith

I pray your glory shines
This doubting heart of mine
And all would know that You

You are my strength
You are my strength
You and You alone
You keep bringing me back home

Oh, You are my strength
You are my strength
You and You alone
Keep bringing me back home

It's You and You alone
Bringing me back home

Sickest opening ever- Catalyst.

Thanks for your advice, Im just no afraid of heights
Like Christ wasn’t afraid to mix spit with mud, as if he couldn’t have fixed vision with one word
Im sorry. I get my creativity from my Father.
Thanks for your advice, Im just not afraid of a blank canvas.
Im not afraid to BE the canvas. Ive been marked by the Father’s hand and God don’t use erasers.
Off on purpose. But what keeps you up at night?
Budget meetings? A board of directors? Thanks for your advice.
Ive just lost my fear-of gravity. Since His Majesty came and grabbed me.
Ive often wondered, how loud does an alarm clock need to be to wake a dead man?
Maybe youre right, and I am just too creative.
I am afraid of being wrong, but if I am tell me.
I aint afraid of correction, humbly embrace lessons.
Just like you shouldn’t be afraid of city permits, and submit to the process
Cause theres not one city permit that can stop what Elohim permits.
Im so comfortable with sovereignty, so done wasting words, so tired of lying to my Father and the mirror.
That’s where I get my courage from, my spine aint naturally stainless steel.
You can have freely what Ive learned from failing miserably.
Youre scared, that you believe your own press.
That we are born eagles, walkin among chickens.
As if these agitated shoulder blades aint ever sprouted wings.
I was recently told I was too creative. And that shook me to the core.
I have no excuse for fear, I should be rollerskating around Saturn. Looking down on satellites- flying.
If you mustered up the bravery, you would get this one day, that we fooled you.
This aint a conference, this right here is a RUNWAY.
Why you aint flyin? We should go take courage

Does God want you to be effective in ministry?

If I succeed in ministry so that others notice, it is possible for me to WRONGLY take the credit. If I am not effective on this side of eternity but I am His, what does this mean?

First we must define “effective”

In this sense, I am speaking of building ministry and leading people to Christ.
This next passage is from Hebrews 11. Right after the “Hall of faith” which basically names what many people would consider God’s All Star team. Hebrews basically names off the people and then says “here is the awesome stuff they did” and then, out of nowhere….

36 Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. 37 They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated-- 38 the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground. 39 These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40 God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. (Hebrews 11:33-40).

From this we can draw that not all people who give everything to God have super effective ministries. If these guys led an innovation conference it would have been pretty short. “Love God, Love People, Die His.” The end.

I feel like when everyone goes into ministry they want to lead a church of a 1000+. Everyone wants to be Driscoll. I do. Just being honest. What if that’s not what God wants for me. What if that’s not what God wants for you.

God doesn’t want YOU to be effective. He wants you to be His.
If anyone is effective it is God. God builds ministry. God leads people to Jesus.

Not you or me.

Here comes the hard question. Why am I in ministry? Why are you doing with your life, what you’re doing with your life? To be effective or His?

“Why are we so convinced a bigger audience is simply common sense to have? Maybe success is measured best by nothing less than our obedience.” – Jimmy Needham.

I want to be like the guys in the Bible.

This is a lie. You know it and I know it. You don’t believe this and at the end of the day neither do I.

Here is what I mean:
Everyone wants to be Paul but no one wants to go to prison, run from snakes, or wreck your ship and end up with Wilson.
Everyone wants to preach a sermon and save 3,000 people. No one wants to get crucified upside down.
Everyone wants to have the steadfastness of Job but not the reason to showcase his steadfastness.
Everyone wants to live like Jesus. No one wants to die like Him.

I feel like I was sold a bill of goods that no smart person would take when fully explained. (1 Corinthians 1:18) “You have this hole in your heart that only God can fill, would you like to have it filled?” OF COURSE! This is half of it.

What would make more sense would be to say “You have this hole in your heart that only God can fill, once God fills this hole in your heart, you will begin to see that He alone is the reason you were created, to glorify and enjoy him forever *and He will ruin you to make sure this happens.”

God will slowly turn your heart into His heart. He will begin to show you people as He sees them and your heart will break. You will begin to recognize more and more the gravity of your sin and how much you suck and the need for a savior. Then you will rejoice in Jesus’ cross because He has given you His righteousness and has taken your sin. And you will be burdened to tell people about this.

NOTE TO SELF
When you ask Him to ruin you so that He might be made much of, He will. That’s why smart people like me stop praying for this. I mean who likes to be uncomfortable right? Last time I asked Him, He wrecked every part of my life that was normal. I was deeply wounded and so were others, but I experienced Jesus' grace in so many new ways and saw others experience Him for the first time. And what happens when this happens? “God, what are you doing?!” I wonder how many times God has looked at me and said “You gave me the go ahead dummy!”

Every once and a while God will place burdens on my heart and I will really mean them and give Him the go ahead to do whatever He wants in me so that He will be made much of. This is why the Bible guys were the Bible guys. They prayed prayers like this and meant it, all of the time. I can either comfortably experience Jesus a little bit, or let Him ruin me so that I can experience Him alot. Now that its documented I will hopefully remember when things start sucking so that I will think “Oh yeah, this is a super great time for me to point to You right now isn’t it?” (What if no one responds to this?) (Next Post)

Sanctification. Engage.

Reflecting on a semester of school

The past four months, living in a house with 5 other guys, buying my own groceries, being responsible to only myself, going to a school learning things that I have a passion for, have been the best months ever.

I have enjoyed school immensely, mainly because of the people that have helped grow me in more ways than they know. Jesus has taught me so much about Himself during this past semester. Surprisingly not through class. I dont want this to sound arrogant but I didnt learn that much in class. I did pretty much all of my learning outside of the class. I learned so much about myself. I learned about my selfishness, my pride, the things I idolize, and my fears. My education has been from a loving God who is constantly pointing me towards my need for a savior. I learned so much about ministry and living on mission for the Gospel.

I became very turned off with the idea of theological academia. I feel like I can argue with the best of them, which I was excited for when I got to school but that almost immediately changed. I began to toy with the idea of what it would look like if I could articulate the 5 points of calvinism better than anyone in my school and that was it. What good would that be? How big-bigheaded am i? I then realized my need to do ministry outside of the church (after some repentance). Daily ministry. Knowledge puffs up and I just want to deflate. Through Jesus's grace and the help of some great friends that He has surrounded me with at Moody and Whitworth and still in the Tri-Cities I have been priviledged to be sanctified in ways that I never thought I would be.

This blog is a little scatterbrained but so am I as I reflect on this. Here are the things I want to learn in school and out of school this next semester (not in any order):

1. I want to learn how to serve more effectively and genuinely.
2. I want to learn how to be last.
3. I want to learn how to be a better listener (and not always be the first to talk)
4. I want to learn how to effectively give a Christ-centered sermon.
5. I want to want God more.
6. I want to be humbled by my sin (not really) and depend on Jesus more for His righteousness alone.

Karate Kids and Chocolate Chips

Last night myself and my housemates (Boy) Alex and Pete along with Steph, Hannah, and (Girl) Alex went camping. It was a blast! We swapped funny story after funny story about our first impressions of each other. About how no one can remember steph's name (sorry). About how every girl thought my house was full of nerds. This didnt make sense to me until I realized that when they introduced themselves to us, my house was doing karate together in the living room...

We shared past stories about what God has done in our lives and talked about some of the things we are going through. It was just sweet fellowship.

Today I had plans to read some of John with Jersey at 3. I read Philippians 1 and baked up some cookies and began to head over. On my way over I received a text from a friend who has just been laid up with trial after trial. As I was walking over to Jerseys I was stopped in my tracks. I began to think about the pain my friend has been going through lately, and the pain that I have, and my other friends have as well. I began to think of Philippians and Paul's willingness to suffer. I began to think of Psalm 73 and the psalmist saying "whom have I in heaven but you? On earth there is nothing I desire besides you." For the first time this verse became real to me. I stopped on the side of the street and worshipped.

I told God "I am willing to do whatever you want. If it means for me to suffer greatly so that others might be encouraged and see how beautiful You are...I'm down."

Jesus is beautiful. His cross is real. His grace is sufficient for you and me. If I can encourage you in any way I would tell you that your suffering is so that others can see Jesus in you and through you. Respond accordingly.

I need to remember..

"So I don't want to take the lead
Cuz I'm prone to make mistakes.
All these folks that follow me gon' end up in the wrong place.
So, just let me shadow you. And just let me trace your lines.
Matter fact just take my pen.
Here, you create my rhymes.
Cuz if I do this by myself I'm scared that I'll succeed.
And no longer trust in You, cuz I only trust in me."-Lecrae "Background"

"I enter rooms and hope they notice me
To fill my social insecurities
I'm asking if there's any hope for me
Cuz there is room for only one"-Jimmy Needham "The reason I sing"

"Whom have I in heaven but You? On earth there is nothing I desire besides You" -Psalm 73:25

Random. Random Thoughts.

Last Saturday our house went to watch UFC at the Oxford house down the street. Jersey, one of the guys who lives there, invited us because we do not have cable. At one point I had to walk a friend home and came back to Jersey sitting outside by himself smoking. Out of nowhere I said "When you gonna let me show you whats in that book I got you?" (I had given him a bible a few weeks before) He said "This weekend."

One of my best friends told me yesterday that was the coolest thing I have ever said. I would have to agree. Im thoroughly convinced that I did not have very much to do with it (Thanks God, pound it?) but nonetheless it was sweet. It feels weird to do stuff like this, stuff you read about or hear about other people doing and wishing you could do cool stuff like that. You can. God has been working big time on me since I have been here and I am just starting to notice it (because Im an idiot).

Two things that I have been feeling lately are: 1. You are going to do bigger things than you think. 2. You struggle with idolatry alot.

Spurgeon says our hearts are idol making factories. Mine feels like "Nike". Psalm 73 is the chapter I believe the least in the Bible, so Im gonna memorize it and allow Gods Word and prayer transform me.

Lunch with Jersey is on Saturday. Planning on layin down some Gospel. Could use your prayers.

A Million Miles In A Thousand Years

"A Million Miles In A Thousand Years" by Donald Miller is the best book I have ever read.

It has inspired me to make a story. Or at least ponder what I want my story to look like. Challenged to make moments memorable. How will I do this? I don't know. I could spend time hanging out with the guys from the rehab house. I could share the Gospel with them. I could ask that girl to coffee. I could mentor some middle school students. I could have more deep talks with my roomates. I could take a trip, I dont know where but just take one. Or I could continue to play out the scenarios in my mind of what those would look like along with their outcomes.

I dont know why I am prone to watch these moments pass by. Part of the book was that Satan throws every obstacle in the way to prevent you from making a good story. Fear of man is definitely my greatest opponent in story making. I trick myself into believing that its wisdom and patience. I cant discern when the wisdom and patience end and where the fear and sin begin.

Ive decided that I want to write a book. But first. I must make a story. I must search why my "writer's block" is the way that it is. Then I must write daily. On page and on lives.

Take Off Your Shoes, Stay A While

My weekend was AWESOME! Saturday I was picked up by my Aunt Kaytie and was taken to her Aunt Peggy's house to answer questions about Jesus and the Bible. I was there for 4 hours! It was wonderful! Some of the questions they asked me were:

-Who made God?
-When God says "let us make man in our image" who else is He talking to?
-How good do I need to be to get to heaven?
-How will God judge my sin?
-What makes other people's prayers more important than mine?

and there were many more. It was a great time, I told them to read Romans and let me know if they ever have anymore questions. Aunt Kaytie contacted me again today because she has a lot more questions, so we are hanging again this Saturday.

After getting back I went to Whitworth with my friend Megan to find sources for our Old Testament paper. Then the fun began. A bunch of us Moody students and Jeremy, Hol, and Lauren got dressed up and went salsa dancing downtown. It was a lot of fun! Afterwards I went to the satellite diner with Jer, Hol, and Lauren. We talked life and church and ministry, great stuff. Met back up with my Moody friends at the bowling alley and bowled until 1 am. Im still no good at it! (the picture above is of us at the bowling alley)

Today I woke up and went to Faith Bible Church. It was a great experience and had really solid teaching and worship. After coming home and eating dinner we went and did cookies again today. I met a 45 year old man named Mike who lives in the sobriety house who invited us in and told us about his faith. He explained to us that he has always seen options in his life of following God or following his desires (playing basketball, smoking weed, having sex) and he always chose his desires. Now he would like to do the opposite. I hope God shows me how I can assist him.

2 things Mike said to me that stuck out.
1. Whatever you want to be, be it today.
2. There are 3 types of people in the world.
a) People in Egypt
b) People in the wilderness
c) People in the Promise Land
Which one are you?

My advice to you, If you are "c", realize where you are at, take off your shoes, and stay a while.

A Crushing Weight

School went by really fast today which was great. Thursdays I just have Lifetime Fitness and Intro to Ministry and I'm done by 1030. It's great! Every week for Intro to Ministry we have a speaker from a local church come to talk about their church, their vision, and the service opportunities of their church.

Today while listening to the speaker I was struck with something. I could do the ministry that they were offering. The next speaker, the same thing. Its been like this every week. I came to realize that, by the grace of God, I am blessed with many talents for ministry. I began to wonder why God would give me this. Obviously, for His glory. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I will be held responsible for all of this. I am terrified.

Something to meditate on, am I using ALL of the tools God has given me for His glory?

Crap.

Today has been sweet. Going to work soon. I received an email from my Aunt with questions about Jesus so we are hanging on Saturday. God is just laying so much grace on me. Im stoked to see how that goes and I'm pumped for Saturday period. It looks very promising!

A Change of Pace

I haven't posted in quite a while. I figured I would change the pace of this blog as more of a "here's what has been going on lately in my life" kind of thing. I will post any deep thoughts and things God has been teaching me lately as well.

Where to start? Last weekend was great! I went to Riverview Bible Camp for the Moody Retreat. It was a great time to get to know people and hear how God has brought them to the northwest and what they feel like they are called to do with their life. I got the opportunity to share my testimony with a few people, which is always sweet because it reminds me of where God has brought me.

Pastor Matt Jensen (U District Pastor of Mars Hill Church) was the speaker at the retreat. He spoke about worship and living missionally and it was very convicting. During his worship talk I just felt convicted about my pessimism when it comes to looking at why other people are here at bible college and was just hit with a saying "It's Not About Me." This is something I need to keep remembering.

During the missional talk God told me "I have a special call for you" "You will be a church planter" and "Do cookies at two certain houses." I went up to thank Pastor Matt after his talk and told him what God said to me. He invited me to come to the Acts 29 bootcamp in Seattle in two weeks and he would take care of it. WHAT?! I am so blessed! I feel like the bat boy who just got asked to play in the world series! So humbling!

My housemates + Hannah went and did cookies to the two houses on sunday (baked cookies and took them to people's homes). Next door are three girls named Nevaeh, Nikell, and Unique. We also went to the other house down the street, which turned out to be a sober living house. 7 ex drug addicts or felons, living in a house to get their lives straight. We stayed and talked to Jersey (one of the guys) for two hours. God is moving in Spokane. I am pumped.

"Not deciding is deciding"

10So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.'" (Luke 17:10)

This is something my heart needs constant reminder of. My good deeds are me following instructions, not me going out of my way to do something above and beyond my call. My call is a mandate to go above and beyond the world's call, always.

1And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. (Luke 18:1)

7And will not God give justice to his elect, who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long over them? 8I tell you, he will give justice to them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?" (Luke 18:7-8)

I feel like God is constantly pointing this out to me. He wants to give me things! I dont ask. I dont pray near as much as I should. I hope that this school year God will continually press on my heart this facet of our relationship that is definitely the weakest.

29And he said to them, "Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God,30who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life."
(Luke 18:29-30)

One of the most comforting verses I've read in a while. Moving out and gaining so much responsibility has been super tough and its just going to get harder in the coming weeks. This points to the greater purpose of why I am going through these things and where its going to lead me.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for speaking to me. Thank you for your love and grace. I love you so much. I am so unworthy. You are holy. Please continually remind my heart of the truths that you have been continually teaching my heart lately. Plase draw me into a greater prayer life with you. Please be with this week and sllow me to find some new friends and provide a new excitement about learning more about you. Please be with my family. Please protect me from the enemy. Please provide me with a church that You have me serving in. I love you.
Corey

Ask Away

2 And he said to them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. (Luke 10:2)


13If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" (Luke 11:13)

I do not receive because I do not ask. I need to pray more. Not because of the things I want primarily, but to thank Him for the things He has given me.

Dear Lord,
Please forgive me for not talking to you. Please draw me into a powerful prayer life. I love you.
Corey

Doubt, Pursuit of Holiness, and Fear of Men

25He said to them, "Where is your faith?" And they were afraid, and they marveled, saying to one another, "Who then is this, that he commands even winds and water, and they obey him?"(Luke 8:25)

This is why I should fear God. He is over creation, therefore creation has to obey Him. Another thing about this is that I feel like this happens all of the time in my spiritual life. Things will look super hard and God will calm the seas and ask me where my faith is at.

44She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased.(Luke 8:44)

Like the crowds pressing in on Jesus many experience Jesus in their lifetime, but it takes someone reaching out intentionally for Jesus for life change to happen. People dont stumble into healing and redemption.

26For whoever is ashamed of me and of my words, of him will the Son of Man be ashamed when he comes in his glory and the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.(Luke 9:26)

I suck. I am ashamed to do evangelism out of fear of men and what they will think of me. I need this to be changed.

Dear Lord,
I am so sorry.I am so unworthy of You. Please help me share my faith. Please help me not be afraid to share you and please dont be ashamed of me. I love you. Im sorry.
Corey

August 4th Wyldfyre Message

“My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let them know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”(James 5:19-20)

I was recently told by a friend that this verse reminded them of me. That is such a great thing to hear! It is such a privilege to be a part of God’s work in that person’s life. It’s things like this, I am told that allow me to be a great leader and have many people look up to me. I get told often that I am a godly guy just because people want to encourage me. I feel like many people want that title “godly guy” or “godly girl”.

“Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently that it might not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the earth.” (James 5:17).

Elijah was like us. Elijah doesn’t have a leg up on anyone. If people wanted to be like me they could be. I was addicted to pornography for over half of my ministry at South Hills Church. I ignored texts from everyone at one point or another. I ignored people that were crying because it was an inconvenience. I have rebuked many but not in love, but in pride. I missed ministry meetings because I just don’t like meetings. I am so selfish. People admire me for the things I want in life which are: to find a wife, plant churches for Christ internationally, see many people come to know Christ. I was so happy with those things until about a month ago when God leveled me. All of these things I want but I DON’T WANT GOD. I want THIS and THIS but NOT YOU GOD! I want Your things! You stay out of this! Who says that?

I do.

You can be like me but I am begging you not to be. The reason why Elijah was Elijah was because he just wanted God. I’m begging you to not put your hope in me or the person that I have become because it will fail you.

I have failed you.

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another that you may be healed The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16)

I am so sorry. I have apologized to God for my apathy towards you. I know there were moments when I may have said something godly or encouraged you in some way or prayed for you or gave you wise counsel but that was not me. My mouth is an open grave. I’m sorry for allowing my sinfulness to get in the way of loving you and God. Thank you for showing me how much I need a savior.